ISSUE # 102: He Kinda Looks Like sANTa Claus
February 3 "You're a monster, Mr. Grinch / Your heart's an empty hole / Your brain is full of spiders, you have garlic in your soul / Mr. Grinch / I wouldn't touch you with a thirty-nine-and-a-half foot pole.
You're a foul one, Mr. Grinch / You're a nasty, wasty skunk / Your heart is full of unwashed socks, your soul is full of gunk / Mr. Grinch / The three words that best describe you are as follows, and I quote: Stink, stank, stunk!
You're a rotter, Mr. Grinch / You're the king of sinful sots / Your heart's a dead tomato splotched with moldy purple spots / Mr. Grinch! / You're a three-decker sauerkraut and toadstool sandwich with arsenic sauce!
You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch / You really are a heel / You're as cuddly as a cactus, you're as charming as an eel / Mr Grinch! / You're a bad banana with a greasy black peel." --- Dr. Seuss
A RED ANT HOLIDAY TRADITION
'Tis the season for The Red Ant's annual holiday missive. After three years set to the tune of "Twas the night before Christmas," I'm singing a different tune in 2013. For inspiration and to warm you up, here is the last stanza of the "real" song:
On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
Twelve drummers drumming
Eleven pipers piping
Ten lords a-leaping
Nine ladies dancing
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five golden rings
Four calling birds
Three French hens
Two turtle doves
And a partridge in a pear tree!
Got it? Now remember, the most important line to hit right is, of course, "five golden rings," sung slowly and with emphasis for dramatic effect as "FIVE GOL-DEN RINGS." Ok, so now that you're all tuned up, here they are:
THE 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS, ASPEN-STYLE
On the first day of Christmas, Steve Barwick gave to me
A hydro plant he just will not let die.
On the second day of Christmas, Steve Barwick gave to me
Laws he won't obey
And a hydro plant he just will not let die.
On the third day of Christmas, Steve Barwick gave to me
New bus stops
Laws he won't obey
And a hydro plant he just will not let die.
On the fourth day of Christmas, Steve Barwick gave to me
Parklets in the streets
New bus stops
Laws he won't obey
And a hydro plant he just will not let die.
On the fifth day of Christmas, Steve Barwick gave to me
Dogs AT Burlingame (remember: "five gol-den rings")
Parklets in the streets
New bus stops
Laws he won't obey
And a hydro plant he just will not let die.
On the sixth day of Christmas, Steve Barwick gave to me
Housing needs assumptions
Dogs AT Burlingame
Parklets in the streets
New bus stops
Laws he won't obey
And a hydro plant he just will not let die.
On the seventh day of Christmas, Steve Barwick gave to me
Geothermal drilling
Housing needs assumptions
Dogs AT Burlingame
Parklets in the streets
New bus stops
Laws he won't obey
And a hydro plant he just will not let die.
On the eighth day of Christmas, Steve Barwick gave to me
Fees on private rentals
Geothermal drilling
Housing needs assumptions
Dogs AT Burlingame
Parklets in the streets
New bus stops
Laws he won't obey
And a hydro plant he just will not let die.
On the ninth day of Christmas, Steve Barwick gave to me
Bike Sharing eyesores
Fees on private rentals
Geothermal drilling
Housing needs assumptions
Dogs AT Burlingame
Parklets in the streets
New bus stops
Laws he won't obey
And a hydro plant he just will not let die.
On the tenth day of Christmas, Steve Barwick gave to me
Housing mitigation
Bike Sharing eyesores
Fees on private rentals
Geothermal drilling
Housing needs assumptions
Dogs AT Burlingame
Parklets in the streets
New bus stops
Laws he won't obey
And a hydro plant he just will not let die.
On the eleventh day of Christmas, Steve Barwick gave to me
Caribbean rotations
Housing mitigation
Bike Sharing eyesores
Fees on private rentals
Geothermal drilling
Housing needs assumptions
Dogs AT Burlingame
Parklets in the streets
New bus stops
Laws he won't obey
And a hydro plant he just will not let die.
On the twelfth day of Christmas, Steve Barwick gave to me
Ongoing lawsuits
Caribbean rotations
Housing mitigation
Bike Sharing eyesores
Fees on private rentals
Geothermal drilling
Housing needs assumptions
Dogs AT Burlingame
Parklets in the streets
New bus stops
Laws he won't obey
And a hydro plant he just will not let die.
*** At The Red Ant, the fun never ends....
Holiday blessings to you, your family and friends! ***
APPENDIX
For further information on topics featured above, click through to the relevant issue(s) of The Red Ant:
- Steve Barwick is the $170K/year lazy and incompetent city manager of Aspen (Issue #41)
- Ongoing lawsuits: the city is embroiled in numerous costly lawsuits (Issue #97)
- Caribbean Rotations: retirees in subsidized housing can rent their units out seasonally to qualified employees (Issue #94)
- Housing Mitigation: the city is working to increase the fees on development and expansions in order to build more and more subsidized housing (Issues #88 and #89)
- Bike Sharing eyesores: the county government kicked in $200K to subsidize Aspen's bike sharing program that has an abysmal business plan and is heavily subsidized. The city of Aspen approved the hideous kiosks all over town. (Issue #96)
- Fees on private rentals: the city is chasing down free market property owners to collect a 1% lodging tax on rentals of these properties (Issue #78)
- Geothermal drilling: the city, on a tip from 19th century miners, spent nearly $300K drilling for hot water below Aspen, in hopes of harnessing a clean green energy source, to no avail (Issue #96)
- Housing needs assumptions: (Issue #88 and #89)
- Dogs at Burlingame: In an effort to spur interest in the next phase of the beleaguered subsidized housing project, the city is attempting to waive the "no dogs" policy that they agreed to in order to build the project in the first place (Issue #88)
- Parklets in the streets: the city proposed eliminating more parking spaces in town in order to subsidize outdoor street-side outdoor dining spaces for select restaurants (Issue #88)
- New bus stops: The city of Aspen bends over backwards for RFTA, including a $5M bathroom upgrade to Rubey Park on the docket for 2014 and allowing for 28 buses to be parked along Durant Street, despite falling ridership in recent years (Issues #98 and #99)
- Laws he won't obey: city refuses to pay court-mandated legal fees to Marilyn Marks (Issue #81); city staff overturns prior council decision to allow snow polo in Wagner Park (Issue #101)
- And a hydro plant he just will not let die: (Issue # 101) ) Or go to www.TheRedAnt.com and search "hydro." It's the most covered topic of the first 101 issues.